The Editrix' Royal Rants

Rant I: Charles must WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT ?????????

Rant II: Murder of The Queen of Hearts: Mystery Finally Solved

Charles must WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT ?????????

"Charles 'must say sorry' to Camilla's ex-husband." Yep, so sez the online edition of the Daily Mail.

Royal command: Camilla's husband to receive apology from Prince Charles

The Prince of Wales must apologise to the former husband of Camilla Parker Bowles before their wedding, according to a leading bishop.

David Stancliffe, the Bishop of Salisbury, claims church rules mean the prince must atone for committing adultery.

In a statement quoted in a Sunday newspaper, the bishop claims: "The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles will be taking part in prayers of penitence at the service of prayer and dedication following their civil marriage.

April First is safely over, right? That is NOT a joke, right? RIGHT ???

I am rolling over the floor laughing uncontrollably!!!

Now a major representative of an organisation that owes its existence to adultery, the Church of England, demands from Charles, an adulterer, an apology to Andrew Parker Bowles, an even worse adulterer!

What will be next?

Murder of The Queen of Hearts: Mystery Finally Solved
Editrix' Blog Special -- 01.04.05

Police finally solved the mystery that so far overshadowed the gruesome slay of Princess Diana of Wales aka "The Queen of Hearts" aka "Her Sanctimoniousness " aka "She-Who-Died-for-Our-Sins".

Chief Superindendent Angus Fairbairn from Scotland Yard, whom we interviewed as the most senior officer on the case, said the suspect was of advanced age, widowed and a resident of Kensingtom Palace in London and Mey Castle in Scotland. No other suspects were reported to be the subject of any inquiry operation.

A B C

An investigation on this case disclosed that the substantial evidence against the suspect could not be neglected any longer. Chief Superindendent Fairbairn: "Her wheelchair was seen leaving the Paris tunnel immediately after the crash at high speed. There can be no doubt that she did it, the more, because the circumstantial evidence against her is overwhelming. "First, it was only too long overlooked that she was well used to high speed vehicles (corpus delicti A, left), second, it is more or less public knowledge, that she had quite a wild streak in her, which got worse after the consumption of a few of those dangerous concoctions, she used to call "gee and tees" (corpus delicti B, left) And to add insult to inhury, a now decidedly cross Chief Superintendent said, she performed much of her evil deeds in Scotland, where she had no business to be anyway, having sadly married one of those Teutonic miscreants. "I am teetotal myself", Fairbarn stressed disapprovingly. "But it doesn't end here", Fairbairn assured us. "It is less well known that she always took a weapon of sorts with her, even when she was not murdering wildfowl or fish in Scotland, where those German Hanovarians ought to stay out anyway" a clearly irritated Fairbairn forwarded sternly (corpus delicti C left). We then thought that it was for defense purposes, how shortsighted of us", Fairbairn conceded grudgingly. "Believe me", the Chief Superintendend enthused with distinguishable relish, "that tough old girl was capable of ANYTHING!" "It is relatively little known that she used to perform, quite successfully, I might say, as a one-woman demolition squad in her earlier years with her handbag as her main tool, and obviously relished what she did! If you look at the picture below left I have provided, this becomes quite obvious. Disregard the unidentified chap in uniform next to her. "Now there is not the slightest doubt that she whacked the driver of that WOP's … oooops delete that ... of Mr. Al Fayed's car over the head with that bag, passing it at an incredibly high speed in her wheelchair! "But that wasn't all, Fairbairn added, looking disgusted. Our investigation disclosed furthermore that Her Sanctimoniousness was not her only victim, but that she was in a habit to lure unsuspecting targets into her lair with her "sweet old granny act" (below) ... …and then... WHACK! SQUISH! BOOM! BANG! THAT HANDBAG! "Notice", the Chief Superindendent said sternly, "how she kept pictures of her victims in her lair, which can clearly be seen in the picture on the left. It doesn't really amaze me that her penurious family plans to throw this robber's den open to the public -- at a miserly 10.00 Pound Sterling a ticket, and my wife, that Bampot Biddee, will surely nag me now to go there and ... but I digress..." Fairbairn added with an embarrassed cough. "And look at the sly old bat!" the Chief Superindendent, now positively warming to his topic, cried: "That is, why her daughter (see above left) is always carrying a handbag too – clearly in self-defense! You'll never see her without one! Not to mention that habitually sour expression expecting any time to be walloped!" Fairbairn: "It is even said that her eldest grandson's slight mental retardation (left) comes from frequent wallopping with that handbag! A very sad case indeed!" "Of course, her frequent change of aliases made it difficult for us to follow her evil ways" the Chief Superintendent pointed out defensively. "Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, aka "Queen Mum", formerly known as Queen Elizabeth the Queen Consort, Duchess of York, Lady Elizabeth Bowes Lyon and The Honourable Elizabeth Bowes Lyon... How can Scotland Yard possibly be expected to look through THAT! I mean, would YOU have sorted out such a mess?" When asked why Chief Superindendent Fairbairn did not interrogate any members of the suspect's family, as the suspect died peacefully in her sleep some time ago, he replied: "Are you crazy? I wouldn't go within a mile of those Huns. That was off the record, right?" (The interview with Chief Superintendent Angus Fairbairn was performed by Editrix' Office special Royal Correspondent, The Editrix Herself.)

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